329: Scott Barry Kaufman | Mating Intelligence Unleashed


science / science 654 Views comments

It only takes one.

"Assertiveness and kindness is the combination most attractive to women." -Scott Kaufman

The Cheat Sheet:
  • Dopamine is the pleasure molecule: true or false? (7:25)
  • Scott defines a true alpha male. (18:40)
  • The Dark Triad revealed: is it as ominous as it sounds? (19:10)
  • What is positive psychology really about? (31:00)
  • Why chat-up lines don't work. (39:50)
  • Mate copying: what does the term mean? (43:10)
  • And so much more...

If you've listened to the show before, you know we don't buy into the whole "alpha or beta male" mindset that is so prevalent in society right now. At the Art of Charm we stand on the belief that men are far more than just "alpha tough guys" or "beta door mats".

And today Scott Kaufman, Scientific Director at the Imagination Institute and author of Mating Intelligence Unleashed, shares the science behind that belief. On this episode, we talk about why the "alpha-beta" thing is far too simplistic, what the dark triad/bad boy thing is all about, and why assertiveness, kindness and humor are some of the most attractive traits to women ...all of that and so much more!

More About This Show:

When it comes to the alpha vs beta showdown, Scott Kaufman sees neither as being the ultimate for an ideal male. He says there are really two paths for men: dominance or authentic. The dominance path is the one we typically associate with the alpha male: aggressive, arrogant, unstable ego and underneath the bravado, insecurity.

And on the authentic path is the type of men we strive create through our work at The Art of Charm: well-earned accomplishments, positive mental health, conscientious, satisfying personal relationships, and genuine self-esteem based on knowing yourself to be a person of value. Contrary to the pop culture definition, Scott says an alpha male is really a man who has cultivated these skills and uses them appropriately.

Another misnomer in today's society is that women love the bad boy. While it may be true that the "bad boy" racks up more sexual partners, scientific studies indicate that quantity of sexual partners does not necessarily indicate higher levels of personal happiness. That's why you'll often hear men who've bed high numbers of women later lament they still weren't happy.

Those men who end up with such high volume of sexual partners also often score high in the Dark Triad, not an affiliation you'd want. The Dark Triad is made up of three pillars: Machiavellian tendencies, narcissism and psychopathy. They are more likely to scheme and manipulate anyone to get what they want, sex or otherwise. The short-term strategies they use are effective in generating multiple partners, but not in cultivating relationships that are meaningful, fulfilling or long-lasting.

To do that, Scott says to focus on what science and studies have shown women actually want: an assertive, kind and funny man. The assertive man asks for what he wants, shares what his needs and desires are without demanding them or having them fulfilled at the expense of others.

Kindness may seem like an obvious trait, but often men are concerned about coming off as doormats by being kind to others. Scott provided some useful suggestions in the show as well as meditations which are linked in the Resources section below.

And lastly, on the topic of humor, Scott talks about several studies that highlight women do want men who make them laugh. But also if you're in a group of women and you make one of them laugh, she's the one you hone in on. Science proves that if a woman is already laughing at your jokes, she finds you attractive! A woman will not laugh at a man's jokes (no matter how funny they are) if she doesn't think he's attractive.

Laughter is also a great indicator of the potential long-term success of a relationship. The couples who stay together longer are those who laugh together. The best pairing here is a man who crack jokes plus a woman who laughs at his jokes, that combination has the most potential for staying together the longest.

Scott and I also talk about the role vulnerability and creativity both play in attraction, and so much other great info! It was a pleasure to have Scott on the show, this episode is surely an instant classic so have a listen! I want to thank Scott for joining us and to thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time.


If you enjoyed this session of the Art of Charm Podcast, let Scott know by clicking on the link below and sending him a quick shout out on Twitter:

Click here to thank Scott on Twitter!

Resources from this episode:

Scott Kaufman's web siteMating IQ Scale: The Quiz Mating Intelligence Unleashed, Scott Kaufman's book on Amazon Mating Intelligence Unleashed, Scott Kaufman's book on Audible Scott Kaufman on TwitterSchool of Greatness podcast

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